Starbuggers – From the Logs of Captain Maloney
The Pilot Episode
Pre-Titles Scene - Prologue
Space: The final frontier. Slow shot panning out as a dead crewmember floats away, caught on a piece of debris. A Dalek armada can be seen advancing across the system, destroying any resistance in its path.
Maloney monologue: USS Who’s Your Mamma 2, Stardate 2330. The Dalek Invasion Force is slowly engulfing the galaxy. The Federation, the Klingons and the Romulans were forced into an alliance in order to combat this threat, but even that was not enough to stop them. Starfleet has fallen. Earth is lost. That’s why I’m on Persephone in a drinking game with Mal Reynolds.
Cut to: Maloney in a bar on Persephone.
Maloney: (drunk) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! YEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Maloney’s communicator buzzes.
Maloney: (annoyed) Oh, what now?
Maloney flips open the comm.
Maloney: This is Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mamma 2.
Mari: It’s me, you numpty. No-one ever calls you on the communicator. And have you been doing Macaroni?
Maloney: Ah, if it isn’t my all-time favourite first officer?
Mari: I’m your only first officer.
Maloney: Not so! What about Picard? Or my previous crew?
Mari: Maloney, your previous crew was exactly one person – and that person was you.
Maloney: That is true… but that’s only because of budget cuts.
Mari: Every time you landed on a planet at least one person got killed! Every time!
Maloney: Well, it isn’t my fault if the redshirts keep walking into the traps. If they didn’t want to get eaten by the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, they shouldn’t have come.
Mari: You forced them out at gunpoint!
Maloney: Tushie!
Mari: It’s touché.
Maloney: Shut up! I’m captain, and I say its tushie. (Beat)
Mari: Some days, I don’t even know why I’m still on your crew.
Maloney: Hmm. Maybe it’s because I remind you of your Derpian Science Officer on Voyager whom you loved until he turned out to be a Romulan Spy, kidnapped you and died in a lava flow on Romulus, but it’s that same resemblance to him that prevents you from ever entering into any kind of meaningful relationship with me?
Mari: Oh yeah, that was it.
Maloney: Hang on, we were about to discuss something. What was it?
Mari: Yes, that’s what I called you about. We’ve just been offered a job.
Maloney: A-HA! So they DO come on this phone!
Mari: No, it’s me on the phone telling you we’ve got a job!
Maloney: Exactly!
Mari: I’m not gonna argue with you on this point, that idiot Rimmer just spilt Chicken Soup on the console. I’m sending you the coordinates now. Gotta go, it’s getting messy out there.
The communication ends. Maloney shrugs, sticks the comm back in his pocket and stands up.
Scene 1: The meeting.
Maloney walks up into a well-furnished office. Sitting on the other side of desk facing him is a blonde woman with glasses.
Woman: Come in.
Maloney thinks about this for a moment, steps out of the door, steps back in again, closes the door, and walks over to the desk and sits down in a chair.
Woman: Please, take a seat.
Maloney has another think about this, stands up a bit, and sits down a bit lower before attempting to lower the seat. However, it is a wooden chair, and so he misses.
Maloney: Well… Hello.
Woman: Hello.
Maloney: Hello.
Woman: …Hi?
Maloney: Bonjouro.
Woman: Domo Arigato.
Maloney: So anyway, you wanted to see me?
Woman: Yes, I have a job for you.
Maloney jumps up and shakes her by the hand.
Maloney: Good to meet ya! My name is Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mamma!
Woman: Uh, right. Hello.
Maloney: Hello.
Woman: Don’t start that again! My name is Cywren Caster.
Maloney: And my name is Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mamma.
Cywren: I know.
Maloney: How do you know?
Cywren: You just told me!
Maloney sits back into his chair.
Maloney: Alright then, let’s skip introductions. What can I do for you, Miss Casket?
Cywren: Caster.
Maloney: Right.
Cywren: As I was saying-
Maloney: How do you do, I’m Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mamma!
Cywren: I know, you already said that.
Maloney: Yeah, but you didn’t say my name!
Cywren: (sigh) Captain Maloney of the USS Who’s Your Mamma. It’s a pressure to meet you.
Maloney: Aw, why thank you!
Cywren: So about this job-
Maloney: Wait a minute!
Cywren: What’s the matter now?
Maloney starts sniffing around the room before settling on Cywren’s hair.
Maloney: Wait a minute! You’re a Gingerian!
Cywren: Okay, not so loud! There are people around here who don’t like Gingerians that much!
Maloney: Yeah, because they tried to INVADE US!
Cywren: After YOU killed one of them!
Maloney: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, my phaser misfired! And anyway, she asked for it. She led me on a wild juice chase around the Galaxy looking for her parents that she doesn’t have.
Cywren: And as a direct result of your little mistake, the entire Federation was thrown brought dangerously close to the brink of destruction.
Maloney: Considering the current Dalek Invasion, the whole Gingerian thing doesn’t seem quite as bad now.
Cywren: That’s true, which is why I called you in here.
Maloney: But just so you know, I still don’t trust Gingerians.
Cywren: Whatever, do you want the job or not?
Maloney: Fine. So what’s this job then?
Cywren: Well if you’d SHUT YOUR MOUTH FOR FIVE SECONDS!
Maloney: … Ow.
Cywren brings up a holovid of the Dalek planet.
Cywren: This is Skaro-
Maloney: Skaro, home planet of the Daleks, the most evil-
Cywren: Shut. Up.
Maloney: …Sorry.
Cywren: That’s Skaro, as it would appear from high orbit.
Cywren zooms in on one of the Dalek cities to show a large Moth-shaped object.
Maloney: What’s that?
Cywren: That is the Dalek’s secret weapon. They’ve been genetically engineering some space-faring creature into a bio-mechanical weapon of mass destruction. As far as we can tell, it is capable of warp speed far beyond the limits we were previously aware of, and it also has advanced defences and weaponry. The primary weapon has enough fire power to destroy a planet.
Maloney: Power is one thing, but it’s not accurate enough to take out, say, a small fleet of one-manned fighters or missiles.
Cywren: That’s where the secondary weapon comes in. The tail houses a large EMP device that can take out everything within 10 miles.
Maloney: Making them easy picking.
Cywren: Exactly.
Maloney: Seems a bit short range, though… still, I suppose I wouldn’t like to be using my electric razor when that thing goes off.
Maloney starts eating a pot noodle.
Maloney: But a creature that size, what does it eat?
Cywren: We don’t know. We think the Daleks may be feeding it on the prisoners.
Maloney stops eating and looks down at his pot noodle before chucking it in the bin.
Maloney: Never liked Pot Noodle anyway. I assume it also has the standard Phaser and Photon weaponry?
Cywren: Of course. And what’s more, it’s got intelligent adaptive and isomorphic software.
Maloney: What does that mean?
Cywren: It means that it is totally conscious, it can self-regenerate, adapt and absorb the characteristics of other ships, and because it uses an isomorphic key to determine the pilot, only one person can control it.
Maloney: With a power like that, anyone who controlled that ship would have the power of-
Cywren: The most powerful weapon in the universe.
Maloney: The Daleks have created the perfect weapon. Can you imagine what would happen that kind of power in their… suckers?
Cywren: All too easily. Which is why I need you to get out there and “liberate” it from the Daleks before they launch it.
Maloney: This sounds a lot like the plot of a low budget 90’s sci-fi TV series.
Cywren: Oh, it is.
Maloney: But why me? There’s a whole galaxy – and beyond! – Of people who hate the Daleks more than me. Better trained, more competent, people who don’t have restraining orders.
Cywren: I’ve seen your profile, I looked into your report on the Gingerian incident. You didn’t give up searching for her parents, even after she told you she didn’t have any.
Maloney: But I killed her.
Cywren: She’s not the first person you’ve killed.
Maloney: She was the last, though.
Cywren: Well, that remains to be seen. Also, your crew is the finest in Starfleet. You’ve said so yourself.
Maloney: So if I do this, what’s in it for me?
Cywren: You get to keep the ship. And I’ve already sent an advance of credits should you choose to accept.
Maloney: Well, I’m in. I’ll have to discuss it with my crew, of course, but If they’re comfortable with it, then that’s fine by me.
Cywren: Thank you, mister Maloney.
Maloney: You’re welcome. They shake hands and Maloney sees himself out. On the way out, he notices that the sign above the door reads “POLICE BOX”.
Scene 2: The Decision
Maloney is on the bridge of the USS Who’s Your Mamma 2 with Picard and Mari.
Maloney: I’m out. I am definitely out.
Picard: You’re out?
Mari: I agree completely sir. There’s absolutely no way to get into the heart of Dalek space, steal a ship from the most heavily guarded planet in the known universe, and just waltz out again on impulse power. Plus it sounds a lot like the plot of a low budget 90’s sci-fi TV series.
Maloney: And you know where I’m coming from, because of your Derpian incident. You know what’s like to be betrayed.
Mari: …Yes. We agreed never to discuss that.
Picard: Maybe that’s what this is all about.
Mari: What?
Maloney: What do you mean?
Picard: All of this. It’s not about saving the universe. It’s about healing old wounds. She’s a clever girl, Cywren. She’s sending us into a mission to see how we work as a team.
Mari: Are you saying that we do the job?
Maloney: Out of the question.
Picard: Think about it for a moment. Both of you have trust issues because in the past, both of you have been betrayed by someone close to you. Cywren is a Gingerian, and because of that you’re obviously biased against her. If you’re right and she is a time traveller, presumably she knows how events are going to unfold. Therefore, it’s logical to assume that she’s intervened at this precise moment to ensure that history – our history – changes for the better.
Mari: Surely you can’t be serious.
Picard: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.
Maloney: Yes, well, that’s all well and good, but that still doesn’t tell us how we’re gonna get through the Dalek Armada to the planet, through the deadliest known space in the entire universe.
Snake: I think I may be able to help with that.
In walks Snake.
Mari: Snake?
Maloney: What are you doing on my ship?
Snake: Blonde chick named Cywren dropped me off here, told me there was a job.
Mari: He’s the courier for the down payment.
Snake: Not just the down payment.
Scene 3: The engine room
Maloney: Mari, Picard and Snake are gathered in the engine room, where there is a large device above the engine.
Maloney: You’ve got to be kidding me. Is that what I think it is?
Picard: I’ve seen one of those before. Mari, you know what that is, don’t you?
Mari: I’ve never seen one up close, but based on textbook info, I’d say that’s a Romulan cloaking device.
Picard: Which is illegal.
Maloney: Illegal it may be, but it might be our ticket into the base.
Snake: Oh yeah, I’ve also got something you’ll need to get the key.
Picard: So what do you say, captain?
Mary: In or out?
Maloney: I’m out.
Maloney comes down to the engineering department. Avani is working on the engines. She gives a curt salute.
Avani: Sir.
Maloney: Hey Vani.
Avani: What can I do you for?
Maloney: I’ve got a bit of a dilemma, I was hoping you could offer some guidance?
Avani: Engineers generally don’t choose their own direction, they just make the destination in good time.
Maloney: Don’t you ever get lonely down here?
Avani: Who, me? Nah. I prefer it down here, I can get enough peace and quiet to get some work done. I talk to the engine, she talks back. Runs like clockwork conversation. Plus, if I ever get lonely there’s always the droids.
Maloney: Not Zed. I hate his snarky floating guts.
Avani: Why can’t you two get on?
Maloney: He’s mean to me! Can’t you, like, reprogram him or something?
Avani: He’s an android, you don’t reprogram androids.
Maloney: I’m not sure it’s healthy to forego human contact for as long as you do.
Avani: Hey, I come up at mealtimes.
Maloney: You’re like that nerd we had before you, whatsisname. Dexter or something. God, that guy never shut up. Yeah, he spent too long down here, and… Yeah, it wasn’t good.
Avani: I’ll keep that in mind. So what did you want to ask me?
Maloney: Huh? Oh, yeah. Well, I suppose you’ve heard Cywren’s proposal.
Avani: The news did travel this far south, yes.
Maloney: I’m thinking we should bail on it.
Avani: Well, that’s your decision.
Maloney: But is it the right one?
Avani: Well, from the point of view of an engineer, the engines are always hungry, so you gotta keep feeding them. In these times, that’s becoming harder and harder what with the resources being taken up by the Dalek Wars. This ship’s been my home for the last 6 months. Yes, one day the fuel will run out and the engines will stop completely, but until that day comes I’ll do everything I can to postpone that, risks be damned. It’d be like losing a friend.
Maloney: Tali would’ve really liked you.
Avani: I think we would’ve got on if…
Maloney: Yeah… Well, that’s not gonna happen now, is it?
Avani: I think she’d want you to go for it.
Maloney: Well, we’ll never know now. I’ll think about what we’ve discussed.
Avani: Drop by whenever you like. And if you see Rimmer, tell him I want my 14B pipe cleaner back, not the 14F.
Maloney: You got it. See you round.
Scene 3C
Maloney enters the drive room dramatically.
Maloney: I’m in.
Scene 4: Capture
Juliet is standing in the cockpit of a wrecked shuttlecraft. There are fires raging in the background and smoke is filling the room. In the background a dead crewman can be seen.
Juliet: Mayday, mayday! This is the Melissa 5! We have taken heavy fire from unknown hostiles! Life support down, engines down! Can anybody hear me?
Out of the smoke, a Dalek ship appears.
Juliet: Oh crap.
Scene 5: Skaro Part 1
The Daleks are rolling around the control room doing what they do. In the back, Zachary is working the robotisation machine on a prisoner.
Dalek: EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! DO NOT MOVE!
Dalek: ALERT! ALERT! PRISONERS ESCAPING!
Dalek: DO NOT MOVE! YOU ARE OUR PRISONER! DO NOT MOVE!
Dalek: PRISONERS ESCAPING!
Zachary: Guys, seriously, shut up. I can’t hear myself think above all this noise and the Robotisation of prisoners is a tricky procedure.
Dalek: SILENCE OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Zachary: Do you want robot slaves or not?
Dalek: …YES.
Zachary: Then please let me get on with my work. If you’re so worried about the prisoner escape, go sort it out yourselves and stop shouting about it. Seriously, your security system is terrible. All you do is tie them to chairs and leave them in their cells. I mean, what the hell do you need chars for? It’s not like you can sit down or anything!
Dalek: WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER!
Zachary: Of course. Of course you will. Now go fix the problem and leave me be.
Dalek: DALEK SQUAD MOBILIZED FOR ANTI-PRISON RIOT!
The Daleks leave the room. Zachary checks no-one is watching, before doing some Macaroni and going off into his “supply cupboard”.
Scene 6: Epic Montage Scene
Montage of the WYM crew preparing for battle to “Building the Deathcoaster” by Joseph LoDuca.
Scene 7: Skaro Part 2
Juliet is trapped in a cell. She breaks out of the cell by breaking the magnetic lock with a comb but is quickly surrounded by Daleks.
Juliet: Back to the cell, then?
Dalek: NO. THIS IS YOUR 52ND ESCAPE ATTEMPT. YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF TO HAVE SUPERIOR INTELLECT TO THE OTHER PRISONERS.
Juliet: So you’ll let me go, then?
Dalek: NO. YOU WILL BE PROCESSED FOR ROBOTISATION. YOU WILL SERVE THE DALEK EMPORER.
Juliet: What? No, not that! Anything but that!
Dalek: RESISTANCE IS USELESS!
The Daleks drag her away, kicking and screaming.
Juliet: YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BRAIN! YOU CAN’T TAKE MY BRAIN!
Scene 8: Skaro Part 3
Juliet finds herself tied to a chair in the operations room, Zachary starting to wake up.
Zachary: Oh yeah, just like that mmmmmmmmmm.
Juliet: Have you been doing Macaroni?
Zachary jumps up.
Juliet: Oh, back with us then?
Zachary: Oh, new prisoner. I suppose you’ve been sent here for robotisation. What’ll it be, a snippet or a full Dalek Do?
Juliet spits in his face. Zachary is drenched in water, which he attempts to wipe off.
Zachary: This suit wasn’t cheap you know!
Juliet: Let me go!
Zachary: No. If I let you go, the Daleks will exterminate me.
Juliet: I heard the Daleks have a ship, the most powerful in the universe. If we could capture the ship, together, we could escape. No Daleks, no Federation, just us and the most powerful weapon in the universe.
Zachary: Are you appealing to my human nature to risk my life to save the universe from the Daleks?
Juliet: No, I’m appealing to your other nature. You know what I mean.
Zachary: Now why would I risk my life to fight the most evil race in the universe with no plan and no backup beyond one girl, and no hope of reward beyond the promise of the most powerful weapon in the universe and the remote possibility of things we don’t talk about in children’s programs? Or I could stay here, where I can get everything I could ever possibly need or want from Dalek technology and my loyal personal army of robo-slaves, completely safe from harm?
Juliet: You’re only safe as long as they need you.
Zachary: Oh, they need me alright. You see, I can do a few things other than program the machine. I’ve installed a number of subroutines into the Dalek Network as a contingency plan.
Juliet: Ooh, tell me more.
Zachary leans close to her ear.
Zachary: Hmmmm… No.
Zachary pulls away.
Zachary: No, I don’t think so.
Juliet: Why not?
Zachary: What, do you think I’m totally stupid?
Juliet: Shall we take a quick vote?
Zachary: SILENCE! I’m the mad scientist, and you’re the helpless young woman being terrorized whilst tied to a chair.
Juliet: What do they need chairs for anyway? It’s not like they can sit down or anything!
Zachary: You know, to this day I still don’t know why. It’s always, “WE WILL EXPLAIN LATER!” and they never do.
Juliet: Oh. Yeah, I can see how that would be annoying…
Scene 9: The Drop
The USS Who’s Your Mamma has cleared the Dalek fleet and is en route to Skaro, cloak engaged. Mari and Picard are on the bridge navigating; Maloney and Snake are in the hangar bay in flight suits and helmets.
Avani: We’re in position.
Mari: Ready Maloney?
Maloney: Considering the circumstances, I’m surprisingly sanguine.
Picard: Good. We’ll reach the drop point in twenty seconds. Ready your chute and open the hatch.
Maloney nods to Snake. Snake activates the outer hatch. Maloney and Snake grip the rails on the side as the vacuum outside sucks out the atmosphere.
Picard: 15 seconds to drop point.
Maloney grits his teeth and takes deep breath. Snake double checks his chute. Maloney roughly does the same.
Picard: 12 seconds.
Different shots of Maloney, Snake, Picard, Mari, the ship, and the planet.
Picard: 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. Go!
Snake and Maloney let go of the rails and shoot out of the hatch. From the bridge, Mari closes the door.
Mari: Godspeed.
Picard: And now we can do nothing but wait. Wait and hope.
Mari: I’ve got some bottles of Romulan Ale in the back. Want a drink?
Picard: That stuff is illegal on 37 planets. (Beat) I’m in.
Avani: I could go for some of that.
Meanwhile in space, Maloney and Snake rush towards the planet, occasionally dodging out of the way of random debris and ships. After what seems like an eternity they hit atmosphere and start to heat up. Maloney slows up when trying to cool down and Snake shoots past. Not wanting to be outdone, Maloney speeds up again. They get into a fight, then pause mid-way to do some Irish Dancing, before continuing descent. Maloney notices a building is coming up and hits his chute, but it doesn’t open fast enough to stop him from getting a good smack to the face.
Maloney: …aaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhh.
Maloney drags himself up and notices a Dalek is watching him.
Dalek: EMERGENCY! INTRUDER ALERT! INTRU-
Maloney: Ah, shut up!
Maloney grabs the Dalek by the sucker and swings it around. It crashes through the glass and falls off the side of the building. Several seconds later there is a crashing noise. Maloney shrugs and enters the elevator.
Maloney: He didn’t have a good head for heights.
Scene 9A: Elevator
Maloney stands in the elevator listening to some light music.
Scene 10: Skaro, Part 3 and a half
The Dalek secondary control room is in chaos.
Dalek: PRISONER BREAKOUT ADVANCING TOWARDS BIOSHIP!
Dalek: UNAUTHORISED USE OF ELEVATOR!
Dalek: THEN HOTWIRE IT!
Scene 11: Skaro, Part 4
Maloney notices that the elevator has stopped.
Maloney: Oh no, they’ve hotwired it.
Maloney pulls out his sonic screwdriver and opens the hatch on top of the elevator. He climbs out and stands on the top before grabbing the rails and shooting the elevator cable. The elevator shoots up and Maloney shoots down. Maloney realizes that he has no way of slowing down and pulls his chute cable, which gets tangled in the elevator cable. The rope snaps, but fortunately there is only a small drop to the bottom. However, when he climbs out of the door, there is a Dalek waiting for him.
Dalek: YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!
Maloney: Exterminate this.
Maloney throws him into the elevator shaft and pulls out his coffee. The Dalek activates hover mode… only to be crushed by a falling elevator. The eyestalk flies off and lands in his drink.
Maloney: Apparently, in some countries that’s considered a delicacy.
He pours the coffee down the shaft and throws the cup away. Snake rejoins him, holding a Dalek gun.
Maloney: Where have you been? Come on, we’re late.
Snake shakes his head and follows him.
Snake: I heard over the comms system that the prisoners are already in the midst of breaking themselves out. Smart bunch.
Maloney: Yeah.
Snake: If we can access the comms system, we could make a citywide announcement to the rebels and ask for assistance in taking the ship.
Maloney: I’ve got a better idea: Why don’t we hack into their comms systems and ask the rebels for help?
Snake sighs.
Maloney: Which way?
Snake: This way.
They turn a corner- right into a Dalek patrol.
Maloney & Snake: DALEKS!
Daleks: INTRUDERS!
They get into a gunfight, with Maloney and Snake hiding in a doorway.
Maloney: It’s no good! They’ve got us pinned down!
Suddenly the Daleks turn and flee for no apparent reason.
Maloney: Well, it looks like we scared them off. (Sniffs) Wait, what’s that smell?
Snake: I don’t like it. They wouldn’t just leave if they had the upper hand.
Maloney: It’s very quiet in here all of a sudden.
Snake: So either they’re planning something…
Maloney: I can hear large steps.
Something creeps up behind them.
Snake: …Or there’s something loose in here that’s even worse.
Maloney: (beat) I think it’s right behind us.
Snake: Okay, don’t panic. On my mark, run.
They turn around. The beast has gone. At the far end of the hall is Lydia, sword unsheathed. “Duel of the Fates” by John Williams starts playing.
Snake: Go. I’ll handle this.
Maloney: But-
Snake: GO!
Maloney runs down a corridor. Snake and Lydia pull out lightsabers.
The theme from Mortal Kombat starts playing.
Classic Video Game Announcer: 3… 2… 1… FIGHT!
They charge at each other, sabers ignited and raised.
Lydia: We meet again, oh big one. The circle is now complete. Now I am the master!
Snake: Only a master of evil would unfollow me on Facebook!
Lydia: Daleks’ don’t like Facebook!
Snake: We’ve got some back on the ship.
Lydia: Can we continue this discussion elsewhere? I’ve been swinging this thing for like, an hour and my arms are really tired.
Snake: Me too. Would you like to see my pokemon collection?
Lydia: As soon as I get on Instagram.
Classic Video Game Announcer: Flawless Victory!
Scene 12: Skaro, Part 5
Zachary and Juliet are still in the primary room.
Zachary: That fighting noise is getting very loud outside, isn’t it? I’ll bet anything you’re hoping that some dashing young space adventurer is going to flash through these doors and rescue you.
Juliet: Well, wouldn’t you?
Zachary: Ooooohhh, Flash Gordon… Uh, anyway… Still, I’m more worried about the cage doors opening.
Juliet: Why, what’s in the cage?
Zachary: Oh, it’s an absolute beast. We’ve taken DNA strands from certain wild animals and accidentally produced… a thingy.
Juliet: A what?
Zachary: A beasty. The king of all beasties. Or queen, we’re still not sure what gender it is. If it even has a gender. We’re still waiting on how it reproduces. The results are expected sometime next week.
Juliet: What? Why?
Zachary: Hey, when you got all this scientific equipment, you gotta do something, otherwise it’s taxable as an expenditure without doing anything. So far we’ve tried to turn a mutton vindaloo into a chicken vindaloo and accidentally created a curry monster that now roams the swamps of Skaro.
Juliet: But if you’ve already opened it, you’re risking nulling the return and refund guarantee on the warranty.
Zachary: (beat) …That I hadn’t thought of. Then again, what if I got an extended warranty?
Juliet: Warranties are invalid if you don’t use the product for its proper use as stated in the instructions manual.
Zachary: Curses! Foiled by Union rules once again!
Juliet: Hey, I don’t make the rules.
Zachary: You’re about to make something! Me very happy!
Zachary pulls a lever.
Zachary: Ahahahahahaha!
Juliet: That’s a terrible laugh.
Zachary: Oh, I wasn’t laughing. I have a condition.
Juliet: You really wanna get that looked at.
Zachary: Yeah, I really should go and see a Doctor about that some time… But the point is I’m doing something incredibly evil now!
Juliet is now restrained on the table.
Juliet: What’s this?
Zachary: This is where the mind slaves get their minds enslaved. I’ve got my own personal collection with some… extra features.
Juliet: I really don’t want to know.
Zachary: Oh, you won’t… YOU’LL BE JOINING THEM!
Juliet: No way Jose Jose Jose Jose!
Zachary: What?
Juliet: Wait! There’s just one thing I need to ask you!
Zachary: Yes?
Juliet: What’s the deal with the New Paradigm Daleks?
Zachary: Oh, right. Yes. Well, uh, they’ve been written out of the series completely because people think they look stupid. There’s also some purple lawyer Daleks that you don’t ever see, and they actually are the most evil beings in the universe. Y’know, besides Steven Moffatt. And I’ve heard that they fill their court rooms with helium for some reason.
Suddenly, the creature bursts in through the doors and jumps onto the table.
Zachary: YEARGH! It’s the creature!
The creature regards Juliet with some interest.
Juliet: HELP ME!
Zachary: Sorry baby, I’m out for number one!
Juliet: Zachary, you miserable little butt-
Zachary activates the machine. The creature is pinned down against Juliet as the process begins and the thing comes down. There’s a lot of light and smoke from within. And some screaming.
Zachary: Well, this should be… interesting. We’ve never tried it like that before. TV logic dictates that now the young lady will somehow, by some inexplicable coding error in the program, somehow gain the abilities and strengths of the creature and some really cool other stuff relating… Ha! But that’ll never happen, right?
Suddenly, Maloney runs in the door with a big Phaser Rifle.
Zachary: ARGH! DON’T HURT ME! They made me do it!
Maloney: Where are the controls for the citywide broadcast thingy?
Zachary: Just over there, right next to that big green button.
Maloney: Cheers man.
Maloney presses the button. Suddenly his face appears on screens all over the Dalek city.
Maloney: Attention all Robomen! Attack the Daleks! This order cannot be countermanded! Attack the Daleks! And help me take their ship! And you, the Rebels! The prisoners! The free minds of Skaro! There’s a transport on the North side with a planet destroying weapon that we can escape in. I need you to capture it and hold it long enough for my team to secure it, and then we blow this joint! Maloney out.
Zachary: Very clever, mister Maloney, but the Daleks can hear you too. So now they know your plan, and are doubtless already formulating a counter strike to stop you.
Maloney: We shall see.
Suddenly, Zachary is pinned against the wall with something akin to spider webs.
Maloney: What the-
Zachary: Mmmmghphmmmm!
Maloney turns around. The machine has released Juliet, who is trying to get out of the restraints.
Juliet: Hey, could you give me a hand with this? These ropes are really tight.
Maloney: Huh? Oh, okay.
Maloney comes around and starts cutting into the ropes with his phaser.
Maloney: How did you do that think with the webs anyway?
Juliet: Oh, he explained all that whilst I was tied to a chair, didn’t you hear that part?
Maloney: No, I wasn’t here. (Beat) Wait a minute, what do Daleks need chairs for anyway? It’s not like they can sit down or anything!
Juliet: I know, right? Nobody seems to know that.
Maloney cuts through the last of the ropes.
Maloney: Alrighty then, looks like you’re good to go.
Juliet: Thanks.
Juliet stretches as she gets off the table.
Juliet: Aaaaagh, that’s better. I’ve needed to do that for…
Juliet and Maloney look at each other for a moment.
Maloney: Hi my name’s… Maloney. Captain Maloney. What’s your name?
Juliet: Juliet.
Maloney: Juliet. That’s a beautiful name.
They both corpse and look at the camera.
Juliet: It was him! He’s doing that look again.
Maloney: Am not! This was supposed to be a children’s programme!
The fighting outside gets louder.
Maloney: Uh, we need to get to the ship now.
Juliet: Agreed. But we can’t get out that way, it’s blocked by Daleks.
Maloney: Don’t worry about that, we can sneak through the vents.
Juliet: What do Daleks need air conditioning for?
Maloney: Well, it probably gets very hot in those tin cans.
Juliet: Fair enough.
Maloney: What about him?
Juliet: Leave him, he’s one of them.
Maloney: Fair enough.
Juliet and Maloney exit through the vent.
Zachary: Mmm, phmm mphmmm mmmmm!?!?
Scene 13: In the Vents
Juliet and Maloney are crawling through the air ducts.
Juliet: What an incredible smell you’ve discovered.
Maloney: Shush, you! Do you wanna be rescued or what?
Scene 14: The Elevator 2
A man runs into an elevator, only to find it packed with Daleks. There is an awkward silence as the elevator goes up, interrupted only by some light music. When the doors open the Daleks exterminate him.
Scene 15: The Ship
Maloney, Juliet and the surviving rebels are at the dock for the ship.
Maloney: Captain’s log, supplementary. After some long explanatory exposition dialogue, we have managed to reach the ship and stop the survivors leaving without us.
Juliet: Do you have to do that right now?
Maloney: Of course I do. The-
A stray Dalek shot hits Maloney’s tricorder. Maloney falls over in slow-motion.
Maloney: Ugh!
Juliet: Cover your ears!
Juliet lets out an ear-piercing shriek that disables the Daleks. She then checks Maloney.
Juliet: You alright?
Maloney: How did you do that?
Juliet: The machine, remember?
Maloney: Oh right, you’ve got- yeah, I remember. Does this mean you can-
Juliet: Yes.
Maloney: Cool.
Maloney passes out. Juliet picks up his communicator.
Juliet: Uh, red alert?
Mari: USS Who’s Your Mamma, Officer Tan here. Who is this?
Juliet: This is Juliet, I’m one of the good guys. Maloney’s taken a shot and he’s badly injured.
Mari: Is he alright?
Juliet: I think he’ll live.
Mari: So what do we do now?
Juliet: We stick to the plan. We take the ship, and you destroy the magnetic clamps from above.
Mari: Roger, will do. Ship out.
Juliet: Clear the deck!
Juliet drags Maloney onto the ship, followed by the rebels. Juliet presses the door button and it closes.
From the WYM, Mari fires several torpedoes, destroying the docking clamps holding down the bioship.
Scene 17: Inside the Spaceship
Juliet and several rebels are in the control room.
Juliet: Okay, does anyone know how to fly this thing?
Rebel 1: Uh…
Rebel 2: Ah…
Rebel 3: No, I don’t think anyone does.
Juliet: (beat) alright, we’ll do it together.
Rebel 4: I don’t know how to either!
Juliet: Yeah, we… kind of guessed that.
Juliet and the rebels start messing around with the controls. A platform raises up containing the key to the ship, but it’s sealed under a glass case.
Juliet: Well, it’s a start.
Maloney starts to come round.
Maloney: Ugh… What happened?
Juliet: Back with us?
Maloney: Where are we?
Juliet: We’re on the ship.
Maloney jumps up.
Maloney: Hey, what! Right, so… shouldn’t we be going?
Juliet: Easier said than done. Can’t make head nor tail of these controls and the key seems to be over there.
Maloney: Hmm. I see. (thinks) I think I have a solution.
Juliet: What are you thinking?
Maloney: I’m going to ask the ship.
Juliet: … What?
Maloney: The ship. It’s a biomechanoid, and it has a conscious, so presumably, it can hear every word we say.
Ship: Correct, Captain Maloney.
Juliet: Whoa, did that thing just talk?
Maloney: Ship?
Ship: Hello.
Maloney: Hi ship, we’re you’re new crew, and we’re totally hijacking you to stop the Daleks from destroying the universe.
Ship: Oh, ok then.
Maloney: What a polite ship. Do you have a name?
Ship: No, no-one bothered to call me anything.
Maloney: Well that’s just plain insensitive. I’m gonna call you… Uh, does anyone have any ideas?
Rebel 4 waves his hand frantically, everyone else scratches their heads.
Maloney: Anyone at all. (Beat) No-one at all? Okay then, we’ll just call you “Ship” until we think of a better name. You okay with that?
Ship: Sure, whatever.
Maloney: Okay ship, how do we take off?
Ship: All main controls are isomorphic, which means they can only be accessed by a symbiotically linked key.
Maloney: Is that the key over there?
Ship: Yes.
Maloney: Can it be divided?
Ship: Don’t know, never tried it.
Maloney: If someone has this key, could it potentially be stolen from them?
Ship: Possibly. The key was intended for Dalek use, so I have no idea what effect it would have on the human biochemistry.
Maloney pulls the key out.
Juliet: How did you do that?
Maloney: Ship, take us out and let the USS Who’s Your Mamma dock with us.
Ship: As you command captain.
Juliet: But-
Maloney: The thing Snake gave me earlier, don’t ask.
The ship flies off, incinerating some Daleks on the way. Several Dalek warships pursue.
Maloney: Take out those ships!
The ship fires its Ion device, disabling them.
Maloney looks through a door and finds Snake and Lydia kissing.
Maloney: (beat) …Well…
He closes the door very quickly. Mari then calls over radio.
Mari: This is the USS Who’s Your Mamma requesting permission to board?
Maloney: Roger Who’s Your Mamma, we have you on our screens.
The WYM flies into a hatch, which closes. The ship then warms up its primary weapon and aims at Skaro.
Maloney: Fire.
The Ship fires. Skaro is destroyed. Everybody cheers.
Maloney: Wow, look at that. I didn’t think we had the budget to blow up an entire planet.
Mari: MALONEY! The Dalek Fleet is approaching! We kind of need to get out of here? Like, right now?
Maloney: Oh yeah, forgot. You there Avani?
Avani: Ready sir! And you should see the things they have on this beastie!
Maloney: Right, we need steady at that, full ahead both, max warp, purge the thrusters, and, uh…
Juliet: Left hand down a bit?
Maloney: That’s the one! LUDICROIS SPEED, GO!
The ship jumps to warp.
Scene 18: The Cult
On board one of the disabled Dalek ships, the Daleks are a little bit pooped about their sudden defeat.
Dalek: AND WE WOULD’VE GOT AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU MEDDLING KIDS!
Dalek: OH SHUT UP!
Dalek: YOU SHUT UP!
Dalek: NO YOU!
Dalek: YOU!
Dalek: STOP! DALEKS DON’T ARGUE WITH DALEKS!
Daleks: OH SHUT UP!
Dalek: WE’VE LOST ‘EM.
Dalek: LAUNCH TRACKING DEVICE!
Dalek: THE SECOND CULT OF SKARO IS READY FOR RELEASE.
Dalek: GOOD! THEY WILL BE SENT AFTER THE SHIP! WE WILL RETAKE THE SHIP! WE WILL EXTERMINATE ALL OPPOSITION! WE WILL BECOME THE SUPREME BEINGS OF THE UNIVERSE!
Dalek: THIS STUFF GETS OLD REALLY FAST.
Scene 19: Heroic ending
Maloney is on the bridge, sending a communication to Cywren.
Maloney: Cywren, Maloney here. We’ve got the ship, and we’re on our way home.
Cywren: Great work Captain. I knew I could rely on you. Did you manage to rescue the prisoners?
Maloney: The prisoners were in the midst of rescuing themselves. Most of them were killed before we could get to them but the survivors are safely aboard the ship. Apparently there was another rescue ship as well, so hopefully they managed to get some people.
Cywren: That’s good, but it’s not over yet. News has travelled of the Dalek defeat this day, but they will be back.
Maloney: Is there anything that can be done?
Cywren: Don’t worry about it, it’s all in hand. I’ll explain when you reach your destination. And also, there’s someone I think you should meet.
Maloney: I look forward to it. Oh, and thanks.
Cywren: What for?
Maloney: For giving me a second chance. A chance for change. For hope.
Cywren: I think we all deserve second chances sometimes. Although I think in your case it’s your… 25th time?
Maloney: (laughs) See you at the rendezvous point.
Cywren: Bye!
Maloney switches off the communicator and the other crewmembers join him in looking out from the bridge into space.
Pan out from the spaceship in warp, fade to black.
Maloney: Now where did I put my music cassettes…?
AND SO THE SAGA CONTINUUMS…